Angry Mommy

Today I am angry. Today I am irrationally angry with my children. Today is not my finest hour by far but I need to keep it real and be honest. Today I was irritated and annoyed before I even finished my coffee. 5 year old spent the night going between sleeping like a rock and tossing and turning and moaning and whining. She never woke up enough to call for either myself or my husband so I knew better than to go into her room. History has shown that when I go into her thinking I will be the comforting mommy I end up setting off a meltdown that nothing but time and patience can undo. So I had a restless night, and so did 5 year old. 

When she woke, straight away there were tears. Her leg hurt. There was drama, and limping, and more whining and moaning. My best guess is that she tweaked something when she slipped and fell the day before walking around the house in plastic princess shoes. I got ibuprofen into her and convinced her to try to walk normally to work out the kinks but my patience was already wearing thin as she continued to limp around the house looking pained, and sitting down looking forlorn instead of getting ready for school as I asked.

**I digress a moment to say that I am not a completely heartless monster. The spot that hurt appeared to be muscular in nature not bone or joint related so there isn't much to do but try some pain meds and walk it off. Anywho...

Just when she seemed to be getting over the leg pain ordeal the tears started flowing again, this time she complained of belly pain. This made me pause because she is getting over a stomach bug and she had just chowed a bowl of cereal but I suggested she go to the bathroom and after some more whining and moaning on the potty, surprise surprise, that seemed to remedy the situation. The final straw, though, was the near meltdown that ensued because her butt itched. And after using a wet wipe it still itched which was clearly not acceptable.  Let me pause again to say that between all of these tearful moments there was a lot of pausing to sit and whimper and snuggle with her lovey (the only one who truly understands her apparently) while 2 year old tried to interject herself into every situation or get into things she wasn't supposed to or scream "mine!" while grabbing at things that clearly weren't hers. 

My nerves were fried. And it wasn't even 8am.

I told 5 year old to scratch her butt if it itched. I asked her if she wanted to stay home because of an itchy butt and a sore leg. I sat down with her and told her that I understood wanting to feel well again and being tired of being sick. I told her that I could only help her so much, daddy could only help her so much, she had to be a strong and brave girl and want to get well. I let her curl into my arms and howl and wail and let it all out. I wanted to do that myself. I wanted a response from her when I tried to be understanding and sympathetic but when all she could do was whine and whimper and not use her words I felt my patience slipping away. I felt the urge to yell, "Stop! Just stop!" But I didn't because how is that fair to a 5 year old who has been sick on and off for the past month. I begged her to take some deep breaths and to please stop crying. I held back my own tears as I took a few breaths of my own. I rushed them both into coats and hats, forgoing mine, so I could get them out the door just in time to get 5 year old on the school bus that kindly waited for us. Then I came back inside, feeling half guilty and half relieved, that 5 year old was now her teacher's problem only to find my patience being worn even thinner by a 2 year old who wants it her way and wants it now. 

So, yes, today I am angry. I am irrationally angry at my children. But I am more angry at myself. Because I did not handle myself the way I should have. I did not act the way mommy is supposed to act. I did not have as much patience and compassion and sympathy as I wanted to. I sucked at mom-ing today. But there's nothing I can do to change this morning. Instead I will hug 5 year old tightly when she gets home tonight. I will snuggle with her on the couch for a few extra minutes before bed. I will be silly and sing songs and let them listen to their favorite Spotify playlist and dance along with them. I will be a better mommy.

A Plague on Your House!

March has been absolutely horrendous around here. Forget about lambs and lions, the whole month was a fucking bear. Between my two daughters and myself, we visited the doctor eight times. EIGHT. First for my toddler who had a lingering fever. That turned out to be a nasty upper respiratory virus. But the following week my 5 year old was in for what turned out to be strep throat. Shortly after that the toddler was back in for an injured foot that she refused to walk on. That also turned out to be nothing much, probably a bruise, although as the doctor said, "We really don't know how many kids go around with broken bones that go undiagnosed." According to him, it's hard to determine what hurts, how severe it is, and they heal really darn fast. That ended her visits for the month (other than to tag along to all her sister's appointments) but my poor 5 year old was in right after finishing up her antibiotics for strep because her persistent cough that was keeping her up, then again about a week later for a fever that wouldn't leave for which she got another round of antibiotics and then two more subsequent visits to recheck her ears and lungs. I finished out the month with a trip to urgent care on Saturday morning because I was running a fever, had a nasty cough, and basically felt like death. Now her antibiotics end tomorrow and mine end next week but we have one more recheck on Thursday but the school nurse called today to say that she was complaining of her ears hurting and when the nurse checked them they looked red so I should mention that at her recheck but I also noticed that her nose has been running more the past day or so and her cough is still present and let's not forget that she's still taking fucking antibiotics!

I honestly have no idea what is going on in this house. I expect a fair amount of illness during cold and flu season because the elementary school and daycare are giant germ factories (inhabited by little germ factories) but, be it the Ides of March or a plague, I don't need all this Shakespearean drama up in here. This is seems like a saga to be continued and I won't be surprised if an ear, nose, and throat doctor is in our future but here's to hoping that Spring comes bursting in and washes away every last bit of illness.