Angry Mommy

Today I am angry. Today I am irrationally angry with my children. Today is not my finest hour by far but I need to keep it real and be honest. Today I was irritated and annoyed before I even finished my coffee. 5 year old spent the night going between sleeping like a rock and tossing and turning and moaning and whining. She never woke up enough to call for either myself or my husband so I knew better than to go into her room. History has shown that when I go into her thinking I will be the comforting mommy I end up setting off a meltdown that nothing but time and patience can undo. So I had a restless night, and so did 5 year old. 

When she woke, straight away there were tears. Her leg hurt. There was drama, and limping, and more whining and moaning. My best guess is that she tweaked something when she slipped and fell the day before walking around the house in plastic princess shoes. I got ibuprofen into her and convinced her to try to walk normally to work out the kinks but my patience was already wearing thin as she continued to limp around the house looking pained, and sitting down looking forlorn instead of getting ready for school as I asked.

**I digress a moment to say that I am not a completely heartless monster. The spot that hurt appeared to be muscular in nature not bone or joint related so there isn't much to do but try some pain meds and walk it off. Anywho...

Just when she seemed to be getting over the leg pain ordeal the tears started flowing again, this time she complained of belly pain. This made me pause because she is getting over a stomach bug and she had just chowed a bowl of cereal but I suggested she go to the bathroom and after some more whining and moaning on the potty, surprise surprise, that seemed to remedy the situation. The final straw, though, was the near meltdown that ensued because her butt itched. And after using a wet wipe it still itched which was clearly not acceptable.  Let me pause again to say that between all of these tearful moments there was a lot of pausing to sit and whimper and snuggle with her lovey (the only one who truly understands her apparently) while 2 year old tried to interject herself into every situation or get into things she wasn't supposed to or scream "mine!" while grabbing at things that clearly weren't hers. 

My nerves were fried. And it wasn't even 8am.

I told 5 year old to scratch her butt if it itched. I asked her if she wanted to stay home because of an itchy butt and a sore leg. I sat down with her and told her that I understood wanting to feel well again and being tired of being sick. I told her that I could only help her so much, daddy could only help her so much, she had to be a strong and brave girl and want to get well. I let her curl into my arms and howl and wail and let it all out. I wanted to do that myself. I wanted a response from her when I tried to be understanding and sympathetic but when all she could do was whine and whimper and not use her words I felt my patience slipping away. I felt the urge to yell, "Stop! Just stop!" But I didn't because how is that fair to a 5 year old who has been sick on and off for the past month. I begged her to take some deep breaths and to please stop crying. I held back my own tears as I took a few breaths of my own. I rushed them both into coats and hats, forgoing mine, so I could get them out the door just in time to get 5 year old on the school bus that kindly waited for us. Then I came back inside, feeling half guilty and half relieved, that 5 year old was now her teacher's problem only to find my patience being worn even thinner by a 2 year old who wants it her way and wants it now. 

So, yes, today I am angry. I am irrationally angry at my children. But I am more angry at myself. Because I did not handle myself the way I should have. I did not act the way mommy is supposed to act. I did not have as much patience and compassion and sympathy as I wanted to. I sucked at mom-ing today. But there's nothing I can do to change this morning. Instead I will hug 5 year old tightly when she gets home tonight. I will snuggle with her on the couch for a few extra minutes before bed. I will be silly and sing songs and let them listen to their favorite Spotify playlist and dance along with them. I will be a better mommy.

Going Au Naturel: A Deodorant Story

I never, and I mean NEVER, thought I would go the way of natural deodorant. I'm a sweaty person. I've had to avoid wearing certain colors that I know will make sweat stains more prominent (I'm looking at you heather grey). I get shiny in a manner of minutes. When I used to dance, while other dancers left class looking like they had been caught outside in a light misting rain I looked like I had been hosed down by the fire department. So I figured I was destined to use commercial anti-perspirant forever. 

But I started reading lots of posts and articles about the aluminum in anti-perspirants, and how they shrink or clog your sweat glands and how none of that is very good for your body. Hmmm, makes sense. Shouldn't I allow my body to do its thing they way it's meant to? And since I still get sweaty while wearing an anti-perspirant I figured it couldn't hurt to try out something a little more natural. So I started looking into these natural deodorants which are mainly just perfume for your pits. After much reading of reviews and lists of ingredients I decided to try Myro natural deodorant. It was one of the only ones that does not contain baking soda or arrowroot (sometimes known to cause irritation) and does contain barley powder to absorb moisture. As a bonus, it comes with a reusable case that you fill with pods that come in minimal recyclable material which keeps up with my New Year's resolution to reduce my carbon footprint. The final draw that sealed the deal was that they were offering your first order (case and single pod) for $10 and I had a promo code that gave me 50% off. 

$5 to try a new deodorant? Sold!

The first thing you should know about switching from commercial anti-perspirant to a natural deodorant is that your pits will most likely go through a detox period. Most people report having excessive sweat or extra stinky body odor. I happily did not experience any of that. My armpit odor was barely more than it was with my anti-perspirant (although I had to reapply the Myro deodorant a couple of times of day sometimes) and I didn't have beads of sweat rolling down my sides the way I thought I would. I took the advice of blogs and wiped my pits with apple cider vinegar to clear away excess bacteria. And when I found a free moment I used a bentonite clay mask on my pits to clean out my pores. I should mention that I'm still using both the ACV and the clay mask because detox can take several months and because I think it helps a lot. The one thing I didn't realize about armpit detox was that there is the potential for skin irritation. What a painful surprise that was! 

My first mistake was to shave my pits and immediately apply my natural deodorant, as is typical when using a commercial product. A day later I had angry red bumps all over my underarm area. I only learned the error of my ways when I did a Google search for "razor bumps natural deodorant" and found a plethora of comments about how applying too quickly after shaving can cause irritation, how detoxing can make the skin more sensitive to irritation, and how the best practice is to shave at night and apply deodorant the next morning. Luckily, after a strict regimen of ACV, bentonite clay masks (there's nothing like standing in the bathroom naked from the waist up trying to keep your arms raised while a clay mask in your pits dries), and some benzoyl peroxide, my irritated skin is healing and I have not had anymore flare ups with my natural deodorant. 

I'm still not entirely sold on the Myro deodorant. The first scent I chose seems very light and I don't really smell it once I apply it but I chose three new ones to try out in my subscription order (you get three pods mailed to you every three months and can skip or cancel anytime). I'm looking forward to seeing if another scent has a little more staying power. If not I will move on to one of the other natural deodorants that are now popping up in my Instagram feed and Facebook ads. But overall, I'm totally sold on the idea of natural deodorant and letting my body self-regulate, and hopefully seeing a decrease in sweat as I use it more. At least until summer, then all bets are off.

A Plague on Your House!

March has been absolutely horrendous around here. Forget about lambs and lions, the whole month was a fucking bear. Between my two daughters and myself, we visited the doctor eight times. EIGHT. First for my toddler who had a lingering fever. That turned out to be a nasty upper respiratory virus. But the following week my 5 year old was in for what turned out to be strep throat. Shortly after that the toddler was back in for an injured foot that she refused to walk on. That also turned out to be nothing much, probably a bruise, although as the doctor said, "We really don't know how many kids go around with broken bones that go undiagnosed." According to him, it's hard to determine what hurts, how severe it is, and they heal really darn fast. That ended her visits for the month (other than to tag along to all her sister's appointments) but my poor 5 year old was in right after finishing up her antibiotics for strep because her persistent cough that was keeping her up, then again about a week later for a fever that wouldn't leave for which she got another round of antibiotics and then two more subsequent visits to recheck her ears and lungs. I finished out the month with a trip to urgent care on Saturday morning because I was running a fever, had a nasty cough, and basically felt like death. Now her antibiotics end tomorrow and mine end next week but we have one more recheck on Thursday but the school nurse called today to say that she was complaining of her ears hurting and when the nurse checked them they looked red so I should mention that at her recheck but I also noticed that her nose has been running more the past day or so and her cough is still present and let's not forget that she's still taking fucking antibiotics!

I honestly have no idea what is going on in this house. I expect a fair amount of illness during cold and flu season because the elementary school and daycare are giant germ factories (inhabited by little germ factories) but, be it the Ides of March or a plague, I don't need all this Shakespearean drama up in here. This is seems like a saga to be continued and I won't be surprised if an ear, nose, and throat doctor is in our future but here's to hoping that Spring comes bursting in and washes away every last bit of illness.